Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again