When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My Plans 2020
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Doggies just call it style.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit