When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭