When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
british sex workers really pound for pound
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’m literally crying
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.