When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes