When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
yeah no that’s fair
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Meowchelangelo
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭