When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.