When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…