When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
water it, i dare you
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.