When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?