Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Free him

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”