When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Imma just leave this here…………
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
pep talk
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.