When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe