Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.