When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
