When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop