When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!