When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
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You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.