Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

*bites zombie*

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”