When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.