When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My fantasy football season is going great
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes