@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

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@mynameshank

WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.

@TwinSurvivalist

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

@Becky_DDB

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@simoncholland

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.