WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
– Beat Cop
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*