When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!