Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.