When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me