When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.