When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home