Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

welp

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)