When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My safe word is Worcestershire
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
We decided to have money instead of children.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076