When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I’ve disappointed better people.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.