Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

My dryer is celebrating lint.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first