When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You Might Also Like
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car