Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks