When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Roombas should bark
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I enjoy a good short stor
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.