Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.