When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Yup
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’