When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
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Lol.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
choose your fighter
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
That earthquake could have been an email.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Great Canadian literature.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.