When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.