When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
The prophecy is fulfilled
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.