When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
So glad we cleared that up
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My therapist after every session
