When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
And they lived apathetically ever after.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”