When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
🤣
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Help
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady