Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

need him

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

certified hallow’s eve classic

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground