Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.