Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

Google Pay be like: