Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Ah..makes sense now

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child