When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Go gym
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.