Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do