When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Not😆🤣
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS