WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?
ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)
Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.