@SICKOFWOLVES SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
@gerryhallcomedy When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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@SICKOFWOLVES 
@theNuzzy What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!
@Steelers1972 For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
@Bandersnaaatch When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
@Angibangie [The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
@Girl_Censored I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
@zaiush_sarel People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
@aissalanis Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
@LosLos__ HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?
Thor: Hammer time?
HR: Get out.