@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

@WhatevaConc

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

@iwearaonesie

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@FBSisnothere

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

@anerdonfire2

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

@LilFlaOrange30

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.