When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

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WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess


Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.


Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up


If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”


For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?


Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.


That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.