Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

I’m a bad influence on myself.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it