When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]