When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
what the hell girl, sure
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Is this a threat?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.