When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.