When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
it is time once again
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I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Before crowbars crows drank alone