When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
No. YOU-buprofen.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.