Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

me in a relationship:

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”