Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”