when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
That’s commitment
Who.
Did.
This?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
B
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe