when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?