when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.