When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.