Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me