Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
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armadillos should sound like accordions when they run
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks
God: you run really fast.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: God? why?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs