imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
You Might Also Like
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.