@KyleSmells

when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop

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@daveexplosm

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

@korryduke

Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks

@nyquills

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@TheAndrewNadeau

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me:

@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@MacMallyMMA

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs