when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop

You Might Also Like


Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians


Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub


Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks


God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?


Horse: God? why?


RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*


[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.


him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?


[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*


The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs