When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My inexpensive home security system…
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
rest in peas
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.