Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.