When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
How it started: How it’s going:
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
#CoronaOutbreak
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter