When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”