When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire


I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!


Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows



Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo