When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on