Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

how to have an accident 101

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

The morning after pill, but for tweets

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind