Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6