Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open