When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.![]()
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”